SO sad and mad at the same time....

I just got a call from my friend Andrea at American Express and found out a guy I had been very close friends with when I worked there killed himself over the weekend. He actually did it in the parking lot at work. His wife called to see if he was working OT, as he had not come home, after a while they sent security to look for his car and a security guard found him. He had shot himself. We had been on the same team together for 2 years; he was one of my biggest cheerleaders when I was going for my team leader position. Russ was a very depressed guy, he weighed over 400 pounds, had wanted surgery like I had and I tried so hard to help him get approval for it, but he was in such bad health from diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea etc that it was hard for him to get. His depression got worse after his wife lost her job with their second baby on the way, money was terrible and then his dad died. I guess he just never recovered.

Suicide is the most selfish thing in the world someone can do. No matter how much I hated my abusive molesting stepfather I hated seeing what it did to my mom and his family when he killed himself. Russ has two little boys under the age of 9 that will never get to have their dad around for graduation, weddings, for that man to man talk and that just pisses me off he could do that to them.

Life is to friggin short with the life-line the fates have for us, why make it shorter by stopping it yourself. Today I was stressing about some of my issues with bills. Forget it that is not going to be a problem today, I am just going to focus on what I have positive in my life, my children, Todd, my family (both by blood and my chosen family whom are my friends) and surround myself in their love and hope all of them know how much I love and care for them. What is weird is along those lines before I heard what happened I had told Todd via text that "life to short to ponder what the head thinks, that I will go with my heart as that is what truly matters" talk about a big fat slap in the face wake up call.

To my old friend Russ, may your pain be gone. I will miss knowing you are no longer there to pass along a funny email to. I wish I could have been there more for you. What you did was selfish and horrible to do, but that does not stop the fact that you were loved and cared for. Maybe your friends like myself should have told you that more, maybe that would have made a difference. Well I have learned a lesson, no matter how boring, repetitive, annoying etc listening to a friend complains, bitch, whine, moan, etc I will be there and listen. I will also make sure all my friends know how much I love them.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!